Starting Over…Yet Again

As I write this from my work computer, I have just submitted my two week notice of leaving my job.

A job I prayed for for years. A job which when I finally got, I knew my life was set. I truly believed that my best chapters had begun, all the uncertainty and self doubt I had experienced during the extensive job search were left behind, and that my dreams were finally coming true… but technically, nightmares are dreams as well aren’t they?

I am not sure at what point I realized that working at this job was all wrong. Yes, I was weary that all of my coworkers are older men and in fact the only other woman besides me in the building is the cleaning lady. Yes, I did not like that my coworkers were constantly asking me to hang out one-on-one with them outside work, which was forcing me to come up with numerous creative but polite ways to say no. Yes, I was uncomfortable at their open discussions where generalizations about women were cackled loudly and often “jokingly” directed at me despite my refusal to participate in non-work related conversations. And, of course I hated that I, a 30 year old woman, was constantly referred to as “that girl”. But I honestly thought that by working my hardest and proving my competence, I could deal with whatever the testosterone-filled office environment would bring.

I unfortunately underestimated the extent to which men in power will overlook the humanity of another being.

I am not even a sensitive person. I funnily owe that to my self-absorption, which lets most hostility directed towards me just roll off my back. But going to work everyday and constantly being told I am not good enough has taken its toll on me.

I have been expected to be a psychic who just predicts what needs to get done without being told, and yet in the same realm has been told to “know my place” when I take any initiative.

I have received zero acknowledgment at the work I do because my immediate supervisor takes all the credit, which has in fact led to my role being questioned by other colleagues because it comes off like I do not do anything at all. Yet, any mistake made is taken to be completely my fault despite just following my supervisor’s instructions.

The fierce anxiety when it is time to get up for work has been daily, as I wonder which man is going to belittle me that day. Is my supervisor going to yell and threaten to fire me again over a mistake that he made? Is the head of the organization going to ask me once more to make tea during a meeting despite me (the only woman) being there as an attendee in the same capacity as the other men in the room? Is it another day where the new guy in top management  is going to unfoundedly ask me if I only got this job because I am in a relationship with someone on the hiring committee?

At some point it had to be enough. I know my worth. I am an asset. I have two post-graduate degrees. I have drive. I am hardworking. My moral code is something I pride myself on. Being at a job where none of this is appreciated, and is actually sometimes brought up to insinuate that I think I am better than the others, just cannot cut it anymore.

With the 2020 Corona pandemic though, the job market is a disaster. More unemployment has come about than anyone could have imagined. Companies are straight out declaring  that due to the pandemic, they are going to be on long term hiring freezes. But still I cannot stay… My decision to leave a job with the way things are now has been strongly questioned by family and friends, especially as I have nothing else lined up . And yes I do not have a plan for what to do next. But I do know that I have to respect myself enough to know that I have to walk away. Yes, the timing is horrible, but should the fear of the unknown warrant me to stay in a situation that is tearing me down instead of building me up?

I am leaving a job I prayed for, believed for, manifested for, to go back to the heaviness of unemployment. But I am at peace with the knowledge that for everyone life is just a series of chapters closing and chapters opening. That is the journey of being human. So without any outline for the next one, this particular chapter has now closed for me. I am starting over…yet again.

  1. This is a very bold move. Not everyone can choose themselves steadfastly and ignore societal dogmas. Our God gives and takes. You have learnt something for your next chapter Kara.

    1. I am excited for the next chapter and I pray it will be better than my last job. Thank you for reading.

    1. time to be selfish with where we position ourselves. We know our worth. Thanks for reading.

  2. I am so sorry this was your experience, Kara. This was extremely heartbreaking to read so I can only imagine how excruciating it was to actually live it. Praying for greater doors to brighter rooms to open up for you. And they will. I am proud of your boldness to choose your values and sanity (which you shouldn’t ever have to do just bc you’re a woman). Also praying that men will just do better.

  3. I’d like to believe you’ve done the best thing for yourself now and that somehow it all works out in the end. Best Wishes 🥂

  4. I have realized that in life the fear of the unknown is the reason a great number of people stay in misery yet in most cases, after the big leap of faith and all the trials it comes with, is something greater waiting on the other side. Remember the book, “who moved my cheese?” I believe you’ll eventually land on the best cheese ever tasted. This is a hard move to make and am sending you all the love and light.

  5. Everyone’s words are so kind and encouraging. I’m really strengthened to know that I have support from you all in my decision to choose myself. I pray that we all always choose ourselves and what is best for us in any toxic situation 🙏🏾

    1. oh girl…it isn’t easy but if it has to be done, God will equip you with the strength and grace to do it. The next chapter will be the best one YET.

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